Thank you, Keurig

I love my Keurig. I mean, really, really love it. It gives me energy, it gives me warmth, it gives me that last little push to make it through the day - I love it. Not that anyone cares, but, Done Jumped Judy has been on a hiatus for quite a while now. Things have been dark. Things have been ugly - but they're looking better. I've been dealing with a lot...and in that, I've had to work on how I deal with things. This kinda means I've had to reset my character, and you know what, I realized that there are some parts of my character that are really ugly.

Well, every time I use my Keurig, I go back to a memory of one of my friends. I go back to coffee runs, frantically making our coffee, cleaning up messes, laughing, sharing stories, sharing life, sharing friendship. I go back to one occasion in particular - where we had made a miscalculation on how much water to put in it - and created a huge mess. It was a mess that kept on giving....water and coffee continued to freely flow until well after the Kleenex and towels had been used. But we laughed.

I haven't been able to shake why I kept going back to this memory. Why did this stick out in my mind? Then, earlier today, I got it. With all the character demolition I've been doing - I've realized that this is one person whom I've been absolutely horrible to. I mean bad, inexcusable, unacceptable behavior. Why? Well, I wish I could give you a reason. How I wish I could say that it was because they'd breached our friendship. Or because they were messing with my man. But the truth is - I got caught up. I got caught up in drama. I got caught up in being snarky. I got caught up in being selfish. And I was MEAN. I was so wrong. I took things out of context - and instead of trying to clarify them based on the character I knew they had - I clung to them as my rite of passage into Haterville. I am so ashamed of how I treated them. Of how I continued to treat them long after I had a minute excuse.

I'm working on contacting them and hopefully giving them some answers. This will mean explaining a horrible side to myself. A side I'm not proud of. But part of cleaning out my character closet is looking some things right in the face and shredding them to pieces. I need this experience. I need to apologize. I need to be humbled. I need to give them some answers.

I'm not saying that I'll never find myself in the position of selfishness or being caught up in drama again. One thing that is blaringly obvious to me now is that it is, sadly, part of my character. But I hope that after I put my character through the spin cycle, after I humiliate it, and hopefully beat it into submission, it'll be less likely to jump aboard the train to Haterville.

So, thank you Keurig. Thank you for giving me memories that have led me to confronting some character issues. And thank you friend, for hearing me out. Your character is beautiful.

Changes

I don't do well with change. It's not that I shy away from it, fear it, or even embrace it. I just don't think about it. The thing is, though, and this will not be a grand pearl of wisdom - but regardless if you evoke, provoke, embrace, shy away from, create, or hate change...it will always happen. 

These past 2 weeks have been full of change - not all bad...in fact, I'm not positive that any of it has been bad...just different. In order to change, you have to let go...and that's something that I don't do very well. I recently lost a colleague who took change by the horns and spanked it into being a submissive little puppy. He stared change in the face, barked at it, pulled strings, manipulated, and crafted a change that was suitable to him. Yeah, he seemed bigger than life to most of us, too. Can you imagine anyone that fearless? I knew him. I saw the string pulling (girl's class and last minute field trips), I saw the crafted change (schedules moved around to benefit me), I saw the spanked in to submissive change (not so snappy now that HE'S here, are we?) and I saw the manipulated change (did he really say that?, did that really happen?). I knew him. The ins and outs that he would share. I saw the good and the bad of mastering the craft of change. 

I'm not sure that I want to master it...I don't want that power, that responsibility, the possession of the choices that come from being manipulated one way or the other. Granted, I'd like to always have my little routines. I'd like to run to W227 to cry because my son just got in trouble, share something I just heard, or check on how the day is going. I'd like to always pop in to W205 (or is it 3?) on my way to the bathroom, or for lunch and stay until the last possible minute because the break is too needed and the camaraderie just too good to walk away from. I'd like to pass W214 every morning and yell "morning Tatum!" and know that as soon as our things are put away we'll meet up to gab, gripe, and share the ins and outs of a hectic life. I know that a forever of those things are not guaranteed...I know it, and perhaps after our loss I won't take them so half heartedly. 

I'll never stop at W215 again on my way to my room to get my morning "charge" or the latest gossip. I'll never hear "Brittany!!!!" at the end of the grade period and willingly have to stop entering my grades to go fix his. I'll never check on him in between class periods because he didn't look so hot. I'll never gripe because he called me fat (again!) :) or because he hurt my feelings. I'll never hear him call me "baby" or hear his chuckle after he said something completely absurd. And for once, nothing he can do, and nothing I can do can change that. 

I'll miss you Padre Juan. The good AND the bad helped shape me. I learned from you - and from watching you - and granted - it wasn't all good - but I was constantly learning. Thanks for what you've given me - a place to thrive - and a group of precious, precious friends that lighten the load. You've orchestrated yourself an amazing legacy, and you chose some amazing people to continue that. I'm proud that I knew you. I'm thankful for the good and the bad. And you'll forever be remembered. 

can't...

think of anything to write! I started a post but half way through I realized how utterly stupid it was. No one cares that I can't think of anything nice to say! :) Our summer is going well - I'm actually enjoying hanging out with the kids, swimming, late nights, and random cooking adventures. We are looking into a few quick trips and one heck of a shopping expedition in August. 

Although I am enjoying my summer...I really miss my students. Usually the most stressful thing about my job is the adults - for the most part I really enjoy the kiddos. I'm ready to get back and see my former students and meet my new ones. I love it. Plus, one of my best friends from college is teaching with me! Her room is diagonal to mine, so it'll be so good to have her join the crew. I also really miss my work friends - how I absolutely LOVE my girls! 

This new year is going to be faced with LOTS of changes...lots. One of the biggest ones is that the test is changing and I'm having to redo the curriculum...but...this is one part of teaching that I love. Don't get me wrong...it's pressure, and lots of it - but it's also rising to the occasion. It's the hit and miss of new lessons going well - and revamping, redoing, recreating...I'm excited. So...3 1/2 more weeks of summer for me - and although I'm enjoying it - I can't wait to get my hands dirty!

Five years ago...

Five years ago I was graduating college, getting married, and planning on building a house in Huntington.
Well - the job I had been guaranteed fell through, the land thing didn't work out, and things with my inlaws were anything but easy. I ended up working as a teller for about 6 weeks when I randomly checked the Lufkin ISD website. Surprise, surprise! They had an english opening. I applied, interviewed - and one thing led to the other. My wedding was absolutely beautiful - magical, even.


Four years ago, 12 weeks into our marriage, I got pregnant with Braxton...and life quickly changed. On that same day, David was layed off from Lufkin Industries, building our house in Huntington quickly seem unattainable, but we were happy. Unsure about the future, but happy. I had an amazing first year at Lufkin. We moved into my parent's house and welcomed the most precious bundle of joy imaginable. We faced many, many hardships that year - but Braxton gave us such abundant joy that it was impossible to miss.
David started police academy at Angelina College and thing were looking up.

Three years ago, David was working for Nacogdoches PD, I was starting a new class at Lufkin, and Braxton was growing by leaps and bounds. We were growing closer to new people - and Michael and Mallori cemented themselves forever as our best friends. We were very involved in church and even though David's work schedule sucked - we were happy. Christmas night an incident happened that altered our life once again. New Years Day, David was informed that he was no longer needed at Nacogdoches PD - and life changed again. We rolled with the punches...but this was a devastating blow. I'll never forget the hurt in my husbands face when he walked through the doors, midnight, on new years eve. "What's wrong!?!?!? What's wrong!!!" - I learned from the night of the shooting that anytime your husband is a police officer and comes home early...it's not a good sign. "What's wrong!?!?" - my heart was racing and I was scared to death. "I...I...I didn't make it - I'm not a cop anymore" - my world changed. Not because we in the throes of unemployment again...but because my husband's heart was broken. We woke my parents up and all met in the living room. They offered comfort and encouragement. We knew that we would make it. We went down more law enforcement job paths, to no avail. David then got a job at Georgia Pacific...just until "something opened up." Little did we know, that he found a home, created a future for us far beyond what we could ever imagine. We moved out that summer, and life started again. Actually, life really did start. July 22nd, we found out that we were pregnant with our Hadley Grace.

Two years ago - David was receiving promotion after promotion. I went through some true struggles at work. But we were making it. For the first time in our lives we were truly on our own (or as on our own as our family allows). We were being so blessed! Beyond measure! David was on a business trip when my contractions with Hadley Grace started. I was terrified. Mallori went with me to the hospital. They observed us, and said that they were very worried about her. HG would be delivered March 17 - David's birthday. David came home, and we had a baby. Our family grew, our hearts grew, and life was good. We began building that dream house, too, by the way.

This year - we've attained some of the highest goals we set for ourselves. We've faced some hardships and trials at church - but it's allowed us to grow closer as a couple. It's given us the opportunity to see how loyal and amazing our friends our - protectors, defenders, good deep into their souls. David has received promotion after promotion. He's headed to Canada, Green Bay...tons of places. Our kids are a joy. Our life is good.

And just think...five years ago...we weren't too sure!

Losing a friend and letting go...

A lot has happened since I last posted...best friend got married, cruise, new puppy, HG's birthday - and work/church has been a hot mess. So forgive me for not posting (for those that care).

What I want to write about today, isn't going to be pretty. In fact, I prepared myself by sitting at my kitchen table - determined to sit and write until this was posted.

I'm losing a friend. Well, technically, I think I already lost this friend. We are at the point now to where our time forcefully spent together is coming to an end. 10 more days and our paths technically never have to cross again. 10 days to say what needs to be said. 10 days left for uncomfortable silences. 10 days.

This friend hurt me. And I mean...hurt me. I saw things and heard things he said about me that I know, with all my heart, he never intended for me to know about. But...I do. What do you do when that happens? What do you do when you hear and see things that you know were not meant for your eyes because the person saying them cares about you - but still...you know. I know.

I think back to the closeness that I once felt with him. Good...good memories of laughing over people and experiences. Poking fun at my youth compared to his "age of wisdom." Music. My penchant for sappiness. Griping about spouses, kids, bills, money - rejoicing in pregnancies, ups in marriages, successes in our jobs. Our friendship was never seamless. My need to mother got on his last nerve...but the honesty we had established in our friendship let him know that it was only because I cared. His utter assholeness, at times, served as his trusty shield to not let others get too close - and his honesty with me allowed me to know that. We worked around it, snapped at each other, laughed about it, and moved on. There were conversations shared that did not speak highly of my personality or character. But I trusted him enough to share them with him...and though our friendship faded - my trust never wavered. In fact, on occasion there would be out of the blue emails and we'd pick up right where we left off - venting/bitching/blowing off steam - trusting that it wouldn't be shared - and put right back down again.

I think that if that level of trust and honesty hadn't existed in our friendship - I wouldn't have been so hurt about what was said. One of my classic quotes is - I know who I am and I know who and what I'm not. I know that I'm overweight. I know that I'm bossy. I know that I'm not what the world, with one glance would consider beautiful. I'm not saying that I'm proud of that or even take joy in that - but I do take joy in knowing who I am. In making the most of it, maybe? I'm not going to say that my weight never bothers me - but I've found beauty in myself, despite that, and I'm pretty proud of that. Still...the things he said...even with my own self honesty...hurt - because they came from someone who I thought was willing to look deeper than most.

I've already confronted him - but still feel unsettled. I have ten days to say goodbye. Ten days to say thank you for the mentorship, honesty, advice, and good times. Ten days to sort through this so I can see him go on his way without regrets. Ten days.

She's Having A Baby...

My best friends are expecting!!! David and I are so excited. It came at just the right time. David and I have been struggling with the decision of calling it quits (having babies) or to add one more to our family. I really don't want to be pregnant again - since preeclamsia worsens each pregnancy - and didn't want to test our finances out on providing for 3 - but yet - there's still just something about it. Well - we get to add one to our family - via someone else! Now, we'll get our baby fix and not have to go through any of it (again)! So, congrats Michael and Mal - we are so excited!!

Today is Hadley Grace's birthday! One year ago today Mal, David, Mom, Dad, and Connie were sitting in the hospital with me waiting for her to make her presence. I was so nervous - I remember dropping  Braxton off with Uncle Mike and holding on for dear life. Knowing that I was going to have surgery and that anything could happen was so scary. It was also scary knowing that our family would never be the same. God knew exactly what we needed and gave us Hadley Grace. She is the gentlest, sweetest yet still sassy little girl that ever existed. She has the perfect amount of sugar and spice. We are truly blessed! We will be having a little shindig with the M&M's for both Hadley and David's birthday tomorrow night.

cooking...

up a plan. Yep. A big plan, indeed. If all goes well...things will get pretty interesting. Cross your fingers, make a wish, and say a prayer.

Stay tuned...