Losing a friend and letting go...

A lot has happened since I last posted...best friend got married, cruise, new puppy, HG's birthday - and work/church has been a hot mess. So forgive me for not posting (for those that care).

What I want to write about today, isn't going to be pretty. In fact, I prepared myself by sitting at my kitchen table - determined to sit and write until this was posted.

I'm losing a friend. Well, technically, I think I already lost this friend. We are at the point now to where our time forcefully spent together is coming to an end. 10 more days and our paths technically never have to cross again. 10 days to say what needs to be said. 10 days left for uncomfortable silences. 10 days.

This friend hurt me. And I mean...hurt me. I saw things and heard things he said about me that I know, with all my heart, he never intended for me to know about. But...I do. What do you do when that happens? What do you do when you hear and see things that you know were not meant for your eyes because the person saying them cares about you - but still...you know. I know.

I think back to the closeness that I once felt with him. Good...good memories of laughing over people and experiences. Poking fun at my youth compared to his "age of wisdom." Music. My penchant for sappiness. Griping about spouses, kids, bills, money - rejoicing in pregnancies, ups in marriages, successes in our jobs. Our friendship was never seamless. My need to mother got on his last nerve...but the honesty we had established in our friendship let him know that it was only because I cared. His utter assholeness, at times, served as his trusty shield to not let others get too close - and his honesty with me allowed me to know that. We worked around it, snapped at each other, laughed about it, and moved on. There were conversations shared that did not speak highly of my personality or character. But I trusted him enough to share them with him...and though our friendship faded - my trust never wavered. In fact, on occasion there would be out of the blue emails and we'd pick up right where we left off - venting/bitching/blowing off steam - trusting that it wouldn't be shared - and put right back down again.

I think that if that level of trust and honesty hadn't existed in our friendship - I wouldn't have been so hurt about what was said. One of my classic quotes is - I know who I am and I know who and what I'm not. I know that I'm overweight. I know that I'm bossy. I know that I'm not what the world, with one glance would consider beautiful. I'm not saying that I'm proud of that or even take joy in that - but I do take joy in knowing who I am. In making the most of it, maybe? I'm not going to say that my weight never bothers me - but I've found beauty in myself, despite that, and I'm pretty proud of that. Still...the things he said...even with my own self honesty...hurt - because they came from someone who I thought was willing to look deeper than most.

I've already confronted him - but still feel unsettled. I have ten days to say goodbye. Ten days to say thank you for the mentorship, honesty, advice, and good times. Ten days to sort through this so I can see him go on his way without regrets. Ten days.