These past 2 weeks have been full of change - not all bad...in fact, I'm not positive that any of it has been bad...just different. In order to change, you have to let go...and that's something that I don't do very well. I recently lost a colleague who took change by the horns and spanked it into being a submissive little puppy. He stared change in the face, barked at it, pulled strings, manipulated, and crafted a change that was suitable to him. Yeah, he seemed bigger than life to most of us, too. Can you imagine anyone that fearless? I knew him. I saw the string pulling (girl's class and last minute field trips), I saw the crafted change (schedules moved around to benefit me), I saw the spanked in to submissive change (not so snappy now that HE'S here, are we?) and I saw the manipulated change (did he really say that?, did that really happen?). I knew him. The ins and outs that he would share. I saw the good and the bad of mastering the craft of change.
I'm not sure that I want to master it...I don't want that power, that responsibility, the possession of the choices that come from being manipulated one way or the other. Granted, I'd like to always have my little routines. I'd like to run to W227 to cry because my son just got in trouble, share something I just heard, or check on how the day is going. I'd like to always pop in to W205 (or is it 3?) on my way to the bathroom, or for lunch and stay until the last possible minute because the break is too needed and the camaraderie just too good to walk away from. I'd like to pass W214 every morning and yell "morning Tatum!" and know that as soon as our things are put away we'll meet up to gab, gripe, and share the ins and outs of a hectic life. I know that a forever of those things are not guaranteed...I know it, and perhaps after our loss I won't take them so half heartedly.
I'll never stop at W215 again on my way to my room to get my morning "charge" or the latest gossip. I'll never hear "Brittany!!!!" at the end of the grade period and willingly have to stop entering my grades to go fix his. I'll never check on him in between class periods because he didn't look so hot. I'll never gripe because he called me fat (again!) :) or because he hurt my feelings. I'll never hear him call me "baby" or hear his chuckle after he said something completely absurd. And for once, nothing he can do, and nothing I can do can change that.
I'll miss you Padre Juan. The good AND the bad helped shape me. I learned from you - and from watching you - and granted - it wasn't all good - but I was constantly learning. Thanks for what you've given me - a place to thrive - and a group of precious, precious friends that lighten the load. You've orchestrated yourself an amazing legacy, and you chose some amazing people to continue that. I'm proud that I knew you. I'm thankful for the good and the bad. And you'll forever be remembered.
